Smaller Pieces
I’ve always felt that the idea that kids with ASD lack empathy as plain wrong. Over the years I’ve felt uneasy as I answered the piles of questionnaires for the myriad of professionals around the questions on this topic, because I had a gut feeling that I was doing a disservice to the boys by saying they don't have empathetic responses. If anything, I felt it was the opposite. But, when superficially assessing their behaviour, I had to answer that obvious acts of empathy seemed minimal.
In Bradley’s report card one year, the first line remarks on how empathic he can be toward other students, which is the first time it had been acknowledged on paper by the school, but I have had comments by staff about how attuned he seemed to be to the emotional states of others, which was surprising to them because of his diagnosis of ASD.
Both boys have always been very sensitive to the "vibe" in the room, or of individual people and reacted intensely. Bradley’s assessment included the doctor's comments that Bradley is the "barometer" in group situations because he could feel any conflict in the room but couldn't appropriately respond to it or understand the origins or impact of it. Sometimes when he heard arguing out in public, he lay catatonic on the floor hidden under a table or crawled behind something big. But when he noticed a child seemed sad he would go up to them and tell them a joke, or if someone was physically hurt, he was great at analyzing the situation and getting the needed bandaid or ice pack.
When the boys lose control, they seem confused, unable to manage their response because of a massive overwhelm of stimuli (mental, emotional, physical etc.), but as they gain the tools to regulate sensory input, gain impulse control, and understand their own anxiety triggers - I see what was there all along - enjoyment of another person's (not 3+ persons which brings too much complexity) company and their own empathic responses. The boys have a hard time seeing things from another's perspective, true... but that is not a sign they don't feel empathy.
Most of the time they struggle to break social situations into smaller, manageable pieces, but when someone helps them problem-solve by including their perspectives, the boys readily contribute by accessing their own strengths to help others. This isn't about asking kids to hide who they are. It's about helping them feel confident enough to show up as themselves without shrinking into nervousness or anxiety. Safety is build piece by piece, moment by moment, through consistent teaching about how groups work, and offered chances to practice different ways of being, with honest feedback and no pressure or judgement. Then, when the pressure is on in real life, the skills are already there. The anxiety has somewhere to go. They're not masking, they’re joining and sharing on their own terms.
Most importantly there needs to be a tone of respect for everyone in the situation. The boys certainly know when someone is being patronizing, and then their behaviour can spiral down fast and full force, leading to feelings of discouragement, invalidation and fewer future efforts to try to connect with others, resulting yet again in the "lack of empathy" profile rolling on. Teachers have such a powerful and valuable role to play in the growth of a child’s sense of self and how empathy is nurtured and intentions are acknowledged.